a year later and i dont think i can

get over this or even survive it.
ive been acting as if its no big deal
for a year,surviving multiple losses even since
im left with nobody to go to..i am positively alone now
i dont think i can survive in a world without him
he took such care of me

 

Hi Susan. I've not met you, but I believe you are stronger than you think. I'd be very surprised if there aren't many, many people on this site who have felt similarly. That isn't to diminish how you feel...not at all. Only to say that they made, and you will too. Like you I kind of acted like my wife's death was something I could deal with without tears. I didn't talk about it much. I threw myself into renovating the house we had shared, and then sold it. Moved. Then moved again. I figured if I stayed busy, maybe I could out run the sadness. I couldn't.

You aren't alone. There are usually a variety of sources to help with grief: books, videos, spiritual care, online, local health departments, meetup organizations, and of course professional therapy, etc. You can do this. One day at a time. Embrace the way you feel. And if you'd like, join the chat room on this site. It's a good group of folks.

I hope you have a good day.

 

Susan, I remembered your name. When
I looked at your photo with your husband,
I saw that I had reached out to you when
I joined GIC at the end of July, 2021. My
wife, Linda, died suddenly, in front of me,
3 & a half years ago. She was 68. We were
married 25 years, no children. When I"talked" with you last, I was seeing a
grief counselor. She suggested grief books,
which I then recommended to this group.
I came up with the term, The Grief
Warriors ( TGW) to describe us. We may
win battles against "Mr. Grief", but we
cannot win the war, bc the spirits of our
soulmates ate still within us. Karen, who
invented Mr. Grief, was one of the first
GW to welcome & comfort me, along with
Patti. Later, I became friends with Robin,
from Long Island, NY. Her husband, Ron,
died about the same time as Linda. I've
also became close to Deb & other widows.
I also have 3 younger widower "brothers",
Gary, George, and Chad. We help each
other when we stumble & fall. I'm
glad you're back with us. Do you live
near the ocean, or a body of water? I
live on the northern coast of Massachusetts, and the ocean waves
feed my soul. Lou

 

Susan, my name is Debra, and I'm so sorry for your loss. I know exactly how you are feeling as I lost my husband almost 3 months ago. And the grief we experience is completely and extremely devastating!! And it is good that you have found GIC, as there are very supportive and empathetic people here who can relate to how you feel. And please feel free to reach out to me anytime. Take care always,
Debra

 

Good morning, Lou. And I hope you have been having some peaceful days and enjoying time with your friends as well as walks in nature. After having some time away, I'm back now... and although I still have to take each day one day at a time, and battle Mr.Grief every day, I am trying to stay busy, and I'm looking forward to my daughter's Summer break from school so we can plan a trip to San Diego. And know that you as well as the other GW here have been in my thoughts, and I'm hoping you will have good and peaceful days. Take care always,
Debra

 

Debra, so happy to see you on here this
morning, comforting Susan, with whom
I "talked" at the end of July, 2021, when I
joined GIC. I'm thrilled that you're visiting
San Diego. I remember that being one of
our favorite places in Calif. Who knows,
maybe you & your daughters might move
there, rent an apartment to see if you
like it. The ocean breezes would be much
more pleasant than having to "bake" in
Bakersfield. Lou

 

Thank you so much, Lou. It is so good to be back. And I did want to reach out to Susan and to give her my comfort and support. And thank you so much for your warm reply as well as for your support and for saying you're thrilled that we are visiting San Diego. And I'm so glad that you enjoyed your visit there. It is very beautiful, we were there 5 years ago, and we absolutely loved it!! And I totally agree that the ocean breezes would be more pleasant than baking in Bakersfield! And so I will do some checking around for a place while we are there... we plan to stay over for two days, and we are so looking forward to it!
Debra

 

Susan,

It's good to "see" you again, but so sorry you're in so much pain. I know there is absolutely nothing I can do or say to make you feel any better, but I "get" how you're feeling, and it SUCKS!!!, TUTTAM!!! (Total Understatement To The Absolute Max). It's been awhile, and I have foggy widow brain, but I know (Jeff???) wouldn't want you to be this miserable... Unfortunately, after suffering the very worst kind of heartbreak, life can't ever return to the way it was... From now on, there will always be sadness in our lives, there will always be triggers for tears..., but, and this is a really BIG!!! BUT!!!, it IS!!! possible to find happiness again, although it will be a different kind of happiness.

Lou, a GIC friend who responded to this heartbreaking message, recommended several excellent books to our GIG "family." The first is "Permission To Mourn," by Tom Zuba, and the second is "The Widower's Notebook," by Jonathan Santlofer. Tom Zuba's 18 month old daughter died, then his wife died, and after her death, one of his sons died. Jonathan Santlofter's wife, Joy died. Both Tom Zuba and Jonathan Santlofer found their way in the world again..., were able to rediscover themselves and find happiness again. They share how they managed to do this in their books. Tom Zuba's books are very short, and easy to read. Jonathan Santlofer's book is more like reading a biography of his life. Warning!!!, it is very sad. Lou doesn't recommend reading it before bed. This is very good advice.

While both books are excellent, "Permission To Mourn," is my favorite. I keep a copy on my nightstand and reread parts of it often. I also purchased Tom Zuba's second book, " Becoming Radiant." I gave my copy to a friend who became a widow before I did. She cried while reading the first book and found it just as helpful as I did. When the second year anniversary of her husband's death hit, I bought her a copy of the second book, "Becoming Radiant." Since then, she has purchased extra copies to give to anyone she meets who she thinks might benefit from them. I also bought a copy of "Permission To Mourn," for a neighbor who is struggling with the recent death of his wife. He found it to be a great book too. My next door neighbor's sister died, and I gave him my copies of both of Tom Zuba's books. He got so much out of them, he bought copies for his son. His granddaughter, his son's daughter, died when she was very young, about ten years ago. His son is struggling BIG!!! TIME!!! Tom Zuba also has some videos on You Tube. You can check them out first, see if his books might be something you think you might find helpful.

Although you probably don't feel this way, you ARE!!! healing!!! You are doing all the hard work grieving is forcing you to do... You are allowing yourself to feel all this heartbreak. Sadly, there are no shortcuts, no way to get around grief, we must travel through it in order to heal. If we do all the hard work grieving forces us to do, we will continue to heal right up until the second we're reunited with the one true loves of our lives... There is no timeline for healing. It is different for every one of us. So please don't compare your grief journey (for lack of a better way to say this) with anyone else's!!! Just keep in mind, that when you're at your very saddest, you ARE!!! healing.

The one year anniversary of my husband, Bob's death, was on April 11, 2022 , at 3:45 a.m. Prior to the one year anniversary of his death, at about ten months, I began to feel a little better, but it was mostly around the one year anniversary, that I began experiencing fleeting moments of happiness again. Karen, a GIC friend, refers to these fleeting moments, as "flickers of light." Lou and Robin (another GIC friend) experienced these "flickers of light" before I did. Robin wrote a wonderful message explaining this. She said the "flickers of light" happen during ordinary moments, like when she's running errands. I've experienced them when grocery shopping for fruits and vegetables... no triggers, just this feeling like everything is right in the world again. It feels so good whenever I experience a"flicker of light," but they're fleeting. As Robin said many times, life is now a combination of happy mixed with sad... Life is so very bittersweet, but and this is another one of those very BIG BUTS!!!, I'll take bittersweet!!!, rather than over the top sad any day!!!, TUTTAM!!!

This is a safe place. It's a judgement free place. Take our advice or leave it. We won't be offended. You need to do whatever works best for you, to help yourself get through the very darkest days in your life. We will be here for you, no matter what.

I didn't sleep much last night. I'm very tired. Stopping here.

Sending you hugs and love, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Debra,

It's so good to hear you're looking forward to your soon to be trip to San Diego. It has me smiling BIG!!! TIME!!!

As always, sending you lots of hugs and love, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Good morning, Susan
I’m so sorry to hear how alone you’re feeling.
It was 6 months ago yesterday that my partner, Kenn, died.
It’s such a challenge to navigate life without the ones who knew us and cared for us.
There’s a new little documentary out that I thought I’d share with you.
It helped me feel a little less alone somehow and was cathartic but all the ways grief can impact us is so unique.
Some found this helpful right now, some have bookmarked it for later.
My name is Bernadine and I’m sorry if I’ve talked with you before and don’t remember, it’s been a challenging week.
Here’s the link to the video.
https://speakinggrief.org/documentary

 

Deb, thank you so much! My daughters' and I are so looking forward to our trip! And thank you so much for sending me lots of hugs and love, and wishing me peace. And I'm sending you

 

Thank you so much, Deb! And I'm sure we will have an awesome, great time! And thank you so much also for sending me lots of hugs and love and wishing me peace. And I'm sending you lots of hugs and love and wishing you peace and all of us peace as well. And you are in my thoughts.
Debra

 

Susan, this is Karen. I met you way back about a little over a year ago. It's been 1 yr and 6 months now for me and I do feel much of what you are experiencing even after a year has passed. Possibly you have suppressed your grief saying, "no big deal", "get over this". And now your grief is emerging.
I lost my son then 1 yr and 3 months I lost my husband, Jack. Nov 4, 2020. I have felt alone too. I've been on this forum since and find it very helpful especially on my bad days. I truly hope you will continue to vent on here. Keep upright. Karen

 

Debra, can I go with you to SD? What a complete change of scenery. My daughter lived there for 18 years and still misses it. She can't afford to go back now with prices so high. Such peace by the sea, have a super time. Karen

 

thank you for your responses they mean so much to me.
when i lost my father 2 years ago,i thought id never recover..then came my husband. i thought maybe my worst fear had come true and id survived it..i was like: yay susan!youre a rock..then went my best friend,and my stepfather and now my mother has maybe months left and she lives on the other side of the map.I have never ever been alone like this....on my own completely like this..even when i thought i was i wasnt..now i dont know if i can survice in a scott-less world...my children wont respond to my pain..they answer: we all lost something not just you.
just getting through the day is a win.its hard as hell..most of the time i sleep through it and just stay up all night..nobody even notices and have no tolerence for my sadness. without scott there is no one left to even worry about me.
i remember recently being on a text w a friend who was being particularly dismissive i said : im kind of worried about myself right now....arent you worried about me?arent you proud of me for dealing with all this loss?are you going to leave me too?

 

Susan, your unfeeling, unsympathetic
"friend" is no real friend at all, in your
hour of need. Only those of us whose
soulmates have died. "get it". Lou

 

Bernadine,

I cried my way through this documentary today. I felt comforted hearing so many of my feelings being validated again... WE are NOT!!! broken!!! We do NOT!!! need to be fixed!!!

Death is a part of life. Grieving is a part of being human. The world would be a much better place if everyone was comfortable talking about death..., if everyone was able to provide each other with the kind of ongoing support, we will always need, as we continue to move forward, to heal... I need another tissue...

Thank you so much for sharing this wonderful documentary with us.

As always, sending you and Maggie lots of hugs and love, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Deb, although I'm sorry you cried all the
way through the film, I' m grateful that I'm
not the only one. Every GW handles
grief differently. Gary didn't cry, but had
valuable insights, as usual. Lou

 

Thank you all. I’m feeling much better today. I was in a state of helplessness and rage. Thank you all for having my back♥️

 

Susan, my name is Helena and reading your post made me cry, I'm so sorry for your losses. I lost my husband and only friend over tree months ago after a long illness, I was his caregiver for two years. I found WIC which it has been a life saver for me because here they understand grieving! family and friends they dont know our pain even if they try....they don't get it.
I'm glad that you're feeling better today....we have to take one day at the time and be gentle to yourself. Take care!! Helena