Since my husband died October 11, 2019 my "best" friend has not once mentioned him, or anything about his passing, absence, illness, how I'm doing without him...NOTHING. She does text me with idle chit chat. It feels like she is annoyed with me. Has anyone here experienced this? Do I bother trying to continue the friendship or let it go. I am angry that she ignores what I am going through.
I’m going through this with my step daughter. My wife died of brain cancer on October 18th of this year and her daughter (my step daughter) doesn’t even acknowledge that her Mom has passed. I rent a room on their house, and it’s like Janet (her Mom) never existed. She hardly ever visited when Janet was at hospice even though she lives less than 5 minutes away. I was with Janet 24/7 as they let me sleep in her room on a fold out bed. I only left her side to run errands for her, and was at her side when she passed. Janet took nearly 3 months to die, and was the most caring and courageous human being I have ever known. Her daughter could care less. I miss my wife and best friend more than I can ever explain. She was, and is my life. Your friend probably just doesn’t know what to say, and finds it easier to just avoid saying anything. I don’t understand, but people are funny. I just hope you find some help on this forum. Bill
Ainie, I am so sorry for the loss of your husband and now your best friend isn’t being caring. I’m so sorry for you. People don’t seem to know how to treat us or what to say. I have family members who don’t even reach out and ask how I’m doing. I lost my husband to a massive heart attack 11/17/18. He didn’t have heart disease, he was healthy. Started with stomach virus type symptoms and 2 hours later I lost my soul mate. Devastating. I have a brother who has reached out to me once in a year. If I call and ask for help he’s there for me but never on his own. I ran into a cousin and said I’m living one day at time, her reply was, really, still? These things just pile up on the pain I’m already feeling and is just plain cruel! All I have for support are my children. My daughter who lives close and my son who lives in Florida. Everyone else disappeared very early on. I’ve stopped having contact with many people, because of how they were treating me, or not treating me. It was hard to deal with on top of losing my loving caring husband. I do have another brother I was always very close to and I decided to let him know I could use his support. Thankfully he was willing to listen to me and try to understand what I am going through, he has been more available and supportive. People who haven’t had such a loss just don’t know what to say or do, as sad as that is. But everyone on this site knows what this feels like and we’re all here to support each other. Sadly what you’re experiencing seems to be the normal. Sucks! I’m here for you as are many other people. Robin
Thanks Bill and Robin. Sorry that you are on this site as that means you have suffered a great loss but it is good to get a response. What makes it hurt even more is that my friend has a PhD in psychology, works as a psychologist and does grief counselling so I don't think it's the usual "don't know what to say". My children are good to me but are very busy with their spouses, children, and jobs. My sibling haven't called since the funeral, not even to see how I did over Christmas. Except one brother who is almost in the same boat...his dear wife is in palliative care. He and I can make each other cry or laugh in an instant. But he too, like me, is in the middle of his own pain.
Annie, wow! So your best friend is a practicing psychologist and works in grief counseling and she’s not been there for you. That’s just sad, so sorry for you! I have a similar situation, my sister also is a psychiatrist and also works in grief counseling. She started out being kind of ok support, but then she started judging me and when I called her on it and said to her this is not ok, I’m not in a good place right now please don’t judge me. She called me a terrible sister who has never supported her, she has never lost a spouse by the way. And I’ve supported her through divorces and surgeries. I’ve since cut all communication with her. I’m also experiencing the same as you with other siblings. Never in a million years did I think my family wouldn’t be available for me. I have one brother who is supportive once in a while. He has spent every holiday at my house because Ron and I hosted every holiday. He decided since I lost my husband, he has left me totally alone.. I know I would be there for all of my siblings if they lost their spouse, or anything else they could use support in. It makes the pain we’re feeling even worse. And being alone makes everything worse. Christmas was so difficult, I’m thankful for my kids my daughter spent the whole day with me and we face timed for hours with my son. I’m afraid you’ll find your best support right here on this site from people who don’t know each other but know how this feels and know support is important and no one is getting it from family or friends, as sad as that is. I’m thinking of your brother as well.
Everyone is different so this is just my take on this. Much like you Robin, my wife passed away last year mid November. Cancer returned and within 30 days my wife of 45 years was gone. We never talked about death in fact we had just purchased a new home. I remember asking my wife if this is what we should be doing and her reply was yes - "it might even be fun". I also was fighting cancer so I said if something happens to either one of us, the one that survives will need to pick up the pieces and move forward. Lynn was perfectly OK with that. I guess we thought we would live forever. The first couple of months including last year's holidays was a fog. It was almost like I was the main character in a movie - the center of attention. I just wanted to be alone and grieve by myself. It is almost like I had to make time to grieve. Much like you guys, all of the attention stopped once the holidays were over. Not even a "how are you doing". Yes, I now had plenty of time to grieve and every event became a "tear fest". This last holiday and I suspect the upcoming New Years seems like a "first" to me. We always had extended family Christmas celebrations - we loved entertaining. Since I had bought a new house I decided to host this year's family celebrations (Lynn's side). 50 relatives attended and not one even mentioned her name. I do not go out of the way to bring her into the conversation but I don't avoid it either. When I mentioned her name, people just seem to want to move on. Even eye contact seemed difficult for some. I get it - death is sad and most people just want to avoid it (I wish I could). You don't see people lined up wanting to be grief counselors. It takes a special person or one who has been through this before to provide the support we are all desperately looking for. That's why this site is comforting to many. So I've accepted the fact that this is something I need to mostly do alone. I have many conversations with Lynn and those seem to be the most beneficial. For some odd reason, I seem to get the direction I need from her. As a side note, I am better but sometimes the loneliness can be overwhelming. Cooking is simply a pain in the butt. I feel guilty thinking about "me" but I'm either dead or living and I don't have a lot of choice in the matter. So with the help of the good Lord and Lynn, I need to figure out what this new life is and make the most of it - Lynn would have wanted it this way.
First off let me say I am so very sorry for your loss! Our stories do seem a bit similar, you and Lynn bought a house just prior to her passing. Ron and I didn’t just purchase a house but I had to close our business. Thankfully we did talk of death and neither of us wanted to be the one left behind. And I had asked Ron, if something happens to you what do I do with everything in our shop? It was an upholstery shop, he said keep our sewing machines and toss everything else. I didn’t toss everything and of coarse kept the sewing machines. I sold a few things and cried a river cleaning out our business. We worked hand in hand every day for about 40 years. Losing my husband and closing our business we’re the hardest things I’ve ever done. I’m in awe of you hosting 50 people for Christmas. Ron and I hosted every year but our get together was very small. And now those people aren’t interested in coming for the holidays. It’s very sad that no one cares to speak of your wife. What’s wrong with people? You have 50people who won’t speak of your wife and I have no one who will even come for the holiday. Losing a spouse is hard enough and then to be treating like we have the plague is just not right. I’ve often wondered how Ron would be managing if it was me gone and him trying to push through. You mentioning cooking is a pain, that is how I think Ron would feel too. I love to cook and to cook for Ron, even better. Now I have no one to cook for. I have trouble maintaining the house, where Ron would be in his element. I have trouble spending money because we never spent on anything without consulting the other. And I’m having trouble taking his name off things, it’s so painful. We’re one! I agree that the holidays we’re in the midst of feel like the first I’m going through without my soul mate. Last years holidays are certainly a fog. I speak to Ron all the time too and yes it does feel good and I do get messages back and it’s comforting even though it’s not enough. You’re right also that it’s so hard to do things for ourselves there’s guilt at every step. Lynn and Ron and all the other spouses wouldn’t want us suffering so. But, wow, it’s hard to move on.
Do others really feel they will "remind" us of our spouse and make us sad?? As if we would/could forget them! I have breakfast with Mike every morning...I have two favourite pics: one the year we met and one thirty years later shortly before he died....I set them side by side and light a candle. I tell him my plans for they day and ask for his help. Often I feel his response. A good thing happened on the day before Christmas Eve...I went to the grocery store for that last minute run for Christmas goodies and the parking lot was absolutely full, had to park way in the far corner. I have always disliked shopping and Mike always did it for us. I felt overwhelmed at the thought of facing that crowded store. Suddenly I smelled his cologne so clearly and felt him beside me. As I walked across the big lot the scent stayed with me and I felt strong and ready to take on the crowd.
Isn’t it amazing when things like that happen! I’ve smelled Ron’s deodorant out of no where and it’s the best thing. It does make you feel stronger. I feel his presence regularly and get many messages and signs. So do my children. I do wonder if that’s what others think. If they bring up our spouse it’ll upset us. Our spouses are on our mind 24/7! We miss them and need to talk about them. At work we had coffee at 10 every day, I still have our coffee break at 10. I still do things that we did together all the time. We had just bought a new car and Ron drove me everywhere. The car makes me sad and now I’m driving myself in the car Ron wanted. Ron actually helped me pick certain gifts for our adult children. I just would get this feeling letting me know he’s on board with this item. I wish the people In our lives would wake up and give us support, realize they’re hurting us by not mentioning our spouse and acting like nothing happened.
