A little bit of history and unanswered future

I'm not really sure where to start. This might come out a little scattered. I'm 28 year old who is a stay at home mom for a 9 month old. About 5 years ago my mom got diagnosed with cancer. And not long after that so did my best friend who was like a sister to me. I took a leave of absence from the job I had at the time, to take care of my mom. I then started to work at a bar so I can take care of her and still pay my bills. My mom and I didn't live together. I ended up drinking most of the time so I found a different job to break me out of that habit. The newer job I was working 12 hour nights 6-7 nights a week and was still taking care Of my mom during the day. It took a huge emotional toll on me. I was physically and mentally worn out. About three years ago both my mom and my friend went into remission. I was seeing this guy for about a year at the time. We met at work. He and I became pregnant with our first almost 3 years ago. But then I miscarried the first month but became pregnant again by the end of that same month. About 26weeks into the pregnancy My mom started to have strokes. The last major stroke effected her memory and the left side of her body. When she came to, she didn't know who we were and it took her a few days to remember. She had zero memory of me being pregnant. When I became 28 weeks pregnant. I lost our son. I developed preeclampsia and hellp. My organs were failing and they couldn't do a csection to help me deliver because of the risk of me dying as well. I wasn't even able to have meds because my body was shutting down. They started to prep me for surgery because they wasn't sure how much longer I had. My son was already dead before we made to the hospital. After I finally had him I was in the hospital for about a week due to my blood pressure. My mom had no idea of anything that happened. My best friend came to see me. But the thought of it all devastated her. My fiancé stayed by my side every night. Skipping a head a couple years later. My fience and I became pregnant again. Doctors kept a closer eye on me this time around. They were unsure of what happened last time so they wanted to watch me to make sure it doesn't happen again. At about 20 weeks my moms cancer came back. We found out on my birthday. She had surgery to get it taken out. Then she went to a different doctor for a second opinion. He sent her for another cat scan. Around my 27th week they noticed that my placenta was sick and that he wasn't getting enough blood to his heart. At week 29 I was hospitalized. Just days before my eldest sons birthday. The day of his birthday the doctor came in and talked to me about the ultrasound that was scheduled that day. He said if the steroids they gave me didn't work they would have to deliver that day. Luckily the steroids worked and I got discharged a couple days later with the promise that I would come back everyday for an ultrasound or if I feel that there was something wrong. I was out of the hospital for one night before I came back for the ultrasound and found out we needed to deliver this was at 30 weeks. That same day my mom was hospitalized. Her results came back and the cancer had spread to her stomach. She need to hydrate and get her platelets up. I gave birth to my son and only saw him for a few seconds before they rushed him to the nicu. It took about a week before I was able to hold him for the first time. I got discharged from the hospital and so did my mom. I live and hour and a half away from the hospital so I drove everyday to see my son and to see my mom. My mom started radiation the day she got discharged so she wants allowed to meet My son. She did radiation for a few weeks. Then she was allowed to see him but not touch him. Then a little over a month after My son was born my mom got hospitalized again. This time the doctors said there wasn't anything they could do. We had no choice but to put her on hospice. We made her comfortable at home but she wasn't responsive. The last words she said to me was "I want to live" a couple days later I was at my own doctors appointment when I get the phone call from the nicu that My son was sick and that I need to hurry to get there. I was right downstairs so I rushed up there. He some how got a really bad infection and he couldn't breath. My fiancé and I watched him go completely still and purple and nurses and doctors were doing everything they could to keep him alive. I kept hear the nurse repeat "his heart rates dropping. His heart rates dropping" I was in complete shock I didn't know what to do. There was nothing I could do. We sat there until they were finally able to get him stable. He was hooked up to a ventilator and need to have a blood transfusion. After a few hours I left to go see my mom. And being there didn't help at all either. I just felt torn between being with the person who gave birth to me and being with the child I gave birth to. My fiancé convinced me to go home and to get some rest. I no more get home before I get the phone call that my mom had died. Larry stayed in critical condition for a few nights and then about a week and a half later he started showing a lot more improvements. After 79 days in the nicu I was able to bring him home. A few weeks after I brought him home, my best friend died from cancer. She left behind an 11 and 13 year old girls. And a week after that my grandma died. After my mom died her health declined and she passed away at the hospital. Now it's just me and Larry 99% of the time. My fiance works all the time so I don't see him hardly ever. And I have no friends. I'm not close to anyone else in my family so it's literally just me and My son. I have no one to talk to and nowhere to go. Just stuck at home which a child who I love but doesn’t say much and I just get stuck in my head.