A boat adrift, no anchor

I lost my spouse of 45 years after 18 months of illness in December of 2021. I have lots of support from friends and family. It seems that my life has regained some sense of normalcy. I go out, meet friends and have started traveling again. But I feel so lost, as of there is no home for me anywhere in this world. That sometimes makes me feel so anxious and afraid. Do any of you feel that way and what has helped you. Thanks

 

Hello, I am sorry for the loss of your beloved soulmate, you've come to the right place here, everyone is so warm, friendly and empathetic, offering support and strength to help us through our daily struggle of adjusting to our new reality. It's been two years and five months since I lost my husband suddenly, unexpectedly, from a heart attack. He was only 57, fit and healthy, I'm still in shock, just can't believe he's gone. Even as I say these words, they don't seem true, as if I'm making it all up. We had only just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary that year. I do have my two adult children who keep me going and give me strength, other family don't really understand what I'm going through. Unless you've experienced it personally , nobody knows what it's like losing the one person you shared your whole existence with, connected to each other in mind, body and soul, fused together, then in a matter of minutes "bang", like being hit by an atomic bomb, catapulted into an unwanted, unplanned, unknown, scary future.
The answer to your question is "YES", I feel lost, like you say a boat adrift, strangely enough I feel more lonely when I'm outside amongst other people, watching the world go by, than when I am physically alone in our home. Here I can connect to my C, talk to him, ask him for suggestions, advice, tell him about my day, this is my safe, comfort place, we will always be part of each other. On the other hand, being amongst people makes me feel isolated, as if I don't belong to this world anymore. The classic feeling of "Feeling lonely in a crowd".
You've made a great achievement by starting to travel again and meeting friends, you're honoring your spouse this way, the love you shared will always be with you to comfort you and guide you along. Life is too short and beautiful to be "ignored", we need to appreciate every single moment. Going for walks in nature in Springtime is the best therapy we can get, listening to the birds singing as they greet the new season , watching trees and flowers waking up and flourishing again,feeling the warm sunshine on our faces.

Take care of yourself.
Rose

 

Thank you so much for your kind and comforting words. I’m in a somewhat better phase at the moment. But it will hit me again like a ton of bricks, no warning.

 

Rose, I just saw the dateline, and hopefully, Saabay has made even more recovery than in his 2023 post, but Dear Rose, you were the person who came to his comfort. Your guides across the veil must be very proud of all the comfort that you have given to so many of us on this site. I had a big setback, this morning in my attempt to return to the living, and I reached out to help a friend in need, and there your name popped up, much to my pleasure. I feel just like you, Rose, I am the most vulnerable and alone among my neighbors and in a crowd. I live in a small town and walk to the grocery store, etc. and with every trip, I cry the entire walk to and from my errands. Nobody can know my gutted feeling, unless they have experienced the loss of such a close companion. You know, because you have experience the same sudden and incomprehensible loss. I was trying to sort, trash and save 45 years of my Terry's work product and personal files, when a small appointment book fell from a top a stack of dusty papers. It was my Terry's book for the year that we met and he had recorded the date of our first phone call, date, etc , from August-December. I lost it after that, and haven't stopped crying since. I never knew how sentimental he was because from my point of view, he just wasn't as sentimental as other males in my family or friends. This really proved me wrong. I put away my dust rags, and have decided that I am yet ready to sort through his papers. I had to get firles to close his business, deal with the government, etc, but the disposing of a lifetime of work will have to wait. I am not strong enough . I am comforted to know that you have the same problem adapting to being "alone in a crowd" as I do. I just hope that I can stop crying when I go to the grocery store. Know that you brought me some comfort, again, in that you too are a drift in a sea of friends, family and strangers. We can always talk to our husbands when and where we want, I just envy the people who have taught themselves how to hear messages from their deceased loved one. Be well and thank you for the warm shoulder.

 

Thank you once again for your kind words @Vide, I understand how hard it must have been for you finding those notes your loved one had written about your first meet-ups,and then losing them. It must have been a sign, to be able to connect with him for a while, there will be other reminders like this which won't hurt so much but bring you comfort. Yes, I also often get teary-eyed while shopping at the grocery store, I have to make a huge effort to stop myself breaking down and running out, like I had to do once. There are still so many places I avoid, so many roads I don't drive along anymore, because they are "our" places, "our" roads.

It's important to take care of yourself, try to spend time outside, nature walks in the warm sunshine now that Summer is here, if it's Summer for you too, I see you also live outside US. I find that fresh air in natural surroundings is so soothing for the mind and soul. I'm watching the sunrise at the moment beyond the hills.

I'm glad to be a warm shoulder for you, sending you peace and strength.

 

Rose: You are a warrior on behalf of all of us who grieve! Love to you and to everyone who is burdened by grief. Life and God will find you again! ♥️