I was searching on the internet for some type of encouragement to help and came across this website. I lost my husband of 28 years in a Tragic car accident in March. A box truck driven by someone from out of state who didn’t have experience driving in snow lost control and went in front of my husband’s vehicle killing him instantly. Truck driver walked away. I still have a lot of anger about the situation even though I know it was an accident. My husband was a firefighter/paramedic for over 25 years, a public servant to the community. We have one son who is 26. I only have my son who is just starting his life/career in law enforcement and my elderly parents who suffer from some dementia. My son stays in contact every day but his schedule with a. New job makes it difficult for him. I try not to burden him with my everyday crying spells. I have a friend who usually checks on me every day but she has her own demons she deals with. She lost a daughter 3 years ago in a car accident, lost her father a month before that, ironically both of which my husband responded to those calls. Now her mom has Alzheimer’s and she deals with that everyday. She doesn’t have enough time in the door long convos with me. I traveled alone for work last week and realized there was really no one to make sure I got home or checking on me like my husband would have. Really missing him. Our friends were really his friends. The fire station was what our lives revolved around for the most part. I went from. A lot of people around to the point where everyone forgets about you. When anyone sees you on occasion and see you smile and “doing well” no one realizes the pain and tears just below the surface that you hide to the world. I’ve learned People who have never gone through such a loss really have no way to understand it, prior to March I was one of them.
I’m so sorry for the loss of your husband. Taken way too soon and in an instant. I also lost my husband of 41 years without any warning. We had a beautiful fall day together doing chores shopping for everything for thanksgiving dinner, Ron worked in our yard and helped my daughter in her new house. We had chicken soup for dinner. All normal things. Then at 9:30 pm he didn’t feel well, throwing up, weak and dizzy. Then it was his chest. He suffered a massive heart attack. My life came to a halt 2 hours after he started not feeling well. They couldn’t save him. On the 17th it will be 5 years. I miss him and honor him and feel his presence every day. You are so right that people who haven’t suffered a loss like this can’t understand. It took me 11 months to to even look for a site that might be helpful and put me in touch with others who understand. Everyone here understands and offer support and kindness. Never any judgement. The loneliness is so difficult, making important decisions, etc. everything about it is hard. Losing your everything, your best friend, confidant, all in one swoop, it’s hard to move on. But we do it for our loved ones. They would want us too. And they are still a part of us, just in a different way. I don’t expect to ever get over the loss of Ron but I will say I am stronger. The anniversary of his loss is crippling to me. How am I still here without him. But we do somehow keep going and moving forward as best we can. I’m happy to hear you do have some support. I’m sure your son even though very busy is a huge support to you. My daughter is my main support, my son too but I’m in NY and he’s in Florida. But he does check on me every day. Reading about that awful accident and how your husband was taken so fast and suddenly made me tear up for you and your husband. He did so much positive in his life and for his community, he sounds like such a caring giving person. Such a huge loss. I’m so very sorry. My husband and I owned a business together for over 35 years and we had just started discussing retiring . Ron was never sick, this was a huge shock. I had to empty and close our business with my children's help. It was a second loss. I’m glad you found this site. Visit often, read and shore thoughts and stories. It does help. Sending you hugs. Robin
Thank you for your response, Robin. I am so sorry that you have to know the type of loss I feel. My husband had just got off his shift at the fire department and left for his second job, the man never stopped. When he left the house that morning he said he had an easy day just riding around doing building checks. I spoke with him around noon that day and the route he was taking back to his office. I work next to the fire department and heard all the ambulances leaving with sirens on which was not unusual. I called dan several times to check in on him when I heard where the accident was but he didn’t answer. I ended up driving to the accident scene hoping i would see his car pulled off the road because he would have stopped to help the crews, unfortunately I did not see his car on the side of the road. It was under a tarp, under the box truck which is what I saw. some days are tougher than others for support because everyone is busy with their own lives. I have a lot of regret and a lot of guilt I work through. The only thing that makes it a little easier is he worked 24 hour shifts so I am used to be alone to some degree. I know woman who have lost their husbands but they don’t seem to want to talk about it. I find talking helps me so . I’m so glad I found this site to chat with someone who understands what the lose of a spouse is like.
Hello I'm sorry for your loss. You have truly found a blessing in this site. What you said about not understanding until.youve gone through it is so true. 9 months is not that long ago so your loss is still knew. Everything you're feeling we understand. I seen in your other post you said you fel some guilt. Guilt is part of grieving but don't let it take up too much of your time. We all have coulda, would, shoulda feelings. After a while you realize you did your best but it don't take the pain away. I'm glad your son checks on you. Keep coming here to vent. We all understand and is here to listen. I lost the love of my life and father of my young children 3 years ago. It was also in March. Everyone around me feels I should be ok by now. They don't understand that I'm grieving for myself and my children. I feel like my village is gone and I'm all.alone. This site has been a life saver. I've gained close friends here. We check.on each other everyday unluck some real.family and friends. I still pray for.strength each day. I pray that you get stronger each day too.
I have no words to say how sorry I am for losing your husband so suddenly and so tragically. I hope you will find some comfort joining us here, we can all relate to what you are going through, as you say, nobody can possibly understand unless they're in the same situation. I was one of those too, before November 2020 when I unexpectedly lost my husband, the other part of myself, my soulmate, best friend, my everything, suddenly from a heart attack, just like Robin's sad experience. He was only 57,fit, healthy, active, young-looking, everyone was shocked, we would never have expected this in a million years. I still don't believe it, I feel he's still here, he's still a part of me, always will be, just in a different way now. It's as if I'm "carrying" him with me as I go on with my existence. Love does not die. My strength to keep going comes from that special bond we had, we "have" actually, my C is in my soul, I'll keep him there forever. I'm glad to hear you have your son to support you, even if you may not be able to see each other so often. I have our two adult children living with me, so they also give me a reason to get up in the mornings. I see so much of their dad in them, both physically and in their manners, the way they talk, their gestures. My son's voice is so similar to his dad's that sometimes I jump when I hear him speaking from another room, their dad is living through them now and through me as I have thankfully adopted so many of his ways of sorting out problems, I have learned so much from him. I manage to sort out tricky situations remembering his wisdom, know-how and judgment. I hope sharing our stories will give you some solace. Empathy is what we all need, and this is the right place to find it. Rose
"When anyone sees you on occasion and see you smile and “doing well” no one realizes the pain and tears just below the surface that you hide to the world." I totally agree with this statement. I feel the same. That's how I feel with losing my sister in 2019 to cancer at the age of 42, thank you for sharing your thoughts
You are so very welcome. We all come together to help each other. And it works. We do need to talk about our losses and about our person. That is the best therapy. Talking is huge it’s so important. I’m so sorry to hear that you had see that scene with his car under a tarp under the truck. It makes my heart break. I can even imagine. I’m so sorry. I was with Ron pretty much 24/7, we worked together every day, we did everything together. He taught so much that I’m thankful for. But miss him more lately with each passing day. The coming holidays sure don’t help. My first time in Walmart after Ron passed I sobbed. We had just been in there shopping and could hear him liking certain ornaments and decorations. I had to leave. Christmas decorations in the stores still have a reaction that I can’t stop. Everything you’re feeling, sadly is how it feels losing your soul mate. Time doesn’t heal, we’re all learning that. But it makes us stronger. You have people here who understand and will help in any way we can. I’m sorry for you and each of us that we need this site but it is very helpful. Robin
Thank you all for the kind words and understanding. I also learned so much from my late husband. I have looked for that knowledge many times in the last 8 months. My son also reminds me of his father in so many ways. He has done and said things lately that remind me of his father so much. They were best friends and spent every minute together when not working. He is a lot stronger through this than i expected. I asked him once recently how he remains so strong, I worry about him holding it all in. His response to me was simple, I have no regrets. He said I miss him but the last time they saw each other in person they hugged and cried for 5 minutes (his dad dropped him off at training out of state a month before the accident). At the time they weren’t going to see each other for 4 months - actually ended up the last time they would ever see each other. They said everything they wanted to each other. That part I am glad for my son, but I do envy that.
Thank you all for your selves and your stories. I hear so much pain from your stories but also an enormous amount of courage in the face of desperation. I'm feeling so much loss during this Thanksgiving week after losing my dear partner of 30 years, Edward. I have a couple of offers for the holiday gathering, but after much mental exhaustion of how those would play out (seeing happy couples, etc) I've decided to just be alone on Thanksgiving. My 'museum of memories' at home where we were together will provide more comfort than the pressures of large gatherings. Do any of you here have any suggestions or stories of how you survived your first holidays without your beloved spouses? Peace. Michael
I completely understand your thought process, this holiday season is also my first without my husband. I wanted to be alone but I have elderly parents that won’t be on this earth much longer so I’m going to spend it with them while I can. However I have declined Christmas parties where there will be couples , that is to much to handle. I hope you find some peace this holiday a season and remember good memories.
Hey Michael I pray for your strength as you get through the holidays. I honestly don't remember my first holiday without my Gant. I'm sure it was with family. I think it was with my brother and his family. I have small kids so I keep doing moving for.them. This year I getting together with some cousins that we havnt gotten together with in a long time. I actually told one of my cousins that if it wasn't for kids I'd boycott the holidays. So I understand wanting to be alone. Surrounding yourself around people that understand what you going through at least a little would be nice though. Itll occupy your mind for a little while. You can be alone with your thoughts later. Praying for your strength through this journey.
Michael, I’m so sorry for the loss of your partner Edward. I know all the things going through your mind and the loneliness you’re feeling. The holidays sure do make things worse. My first Thanksgiving was only 5 days after I lost my husband Ron to a heart attack. It was sudden and a total shock. He was healthy, we thought. That Thanksgiving is a blur but I know my whole family came to my house and prepared the dinner. Ron and I had picked up everything the day I lost the love of my life. The next thanksgiving I had my brother over and his girlfriend. Ron and I always hosted every holiday and I kind of wanted it to be the same. I personally need to do something on the special dates whether it’s a holiday or anniversary etc. if I’m alone I feel worse. But that’s me. And I encourage everyone to talk of and share memories of Ron. Everyone deals differently, there’s no right or wrong. What feels right for you is the way to go. Ron and I were married for 41 years together for 44. He’s a part of me and who I am. Edward is a part of you. He’s with you, but in a different way. Everything I do since that awful day, I do in memory and to honor Ron. He wants me to live life. I try my best. But it’s hard. Sending you hugs and wishing you the strength it takes to keep moving. Robin
Thank you all for your kind replies. It's only been nine months since Edward passed so I still very much feel his presence in our home, I think that's why I want to stay close to home with him 'here'. I don't know how I'll feel next year, so for this year I'm going to hunker down and feel his vibes. I don't have children or work to distract me from my racing thoughts - but medication helps. I thought this was supposed to get easier as time went on, but today I feel the weight of how each day's loss just builds on the days prior. Does the gut-wrenching pain ever lessen? This has been the worst year of my life. ~ Michael
Oh Michael I know how you’re feeling. I’m so very sad for you. I’ve been there and it’s such a deep awful feeling. The gut wrenching pain does lessen. There’s no specific time frame. It kind of seeps in slowly. You’ll realize, oh I did this today or there were extra smiles when previously there were none. That’s how it was for me. All the sudden there’s a few more moments that aren’t horrible. A run to the store doesn’t feel like the hardest thing in the world to do. Holidays, birthdays, anniversaries they’re seriously hard. I’m glad you feel his presence in your home. It can feel like a warm hug. I had to close our business after Ron passed, hardest thing I ever did. We worked side by side for over 35 years. All the sudden all of that is gone and my day has no structure. Nothing the same. Things do get easier though, but they’re never forgotten.
Thank you, Robin. I validate the struggle that it must have been to feel Ron's loss at the same time having to close your business of 35 years. So much of your identity disappeared overnight. I feel like I'm missing a huge part of myself and none of my previous life lessons prepared me for the level of grief that I'm experiencing. As we know now, there's no way to prep for this grief. I do have hope, and faith, and fear but I will move forward one day at a time. Thanks for your support. Would love to hear more about yours and Ron's journey if and when you feel up to sharing. In you bio pic you two look like you have great chemistry. ~ Michael
Hi Sraymond Tomorrow I will be 7 months without my Dallas, it’s tough. I am also at the stage where people think you are doing better than you are but only because they don’t understand grief, not that they no longer care. One thing I’d like to share with you that might be helpful that I was told by my grief counsellor. She said that my life with Dallas was like a house. And that house has now been knocked down to it’s foundation. I am the foundation and all I have left. So now I need to build a new house, because the old house is gone, meaning a new life. A lot of people will try and hold onto their old life but it is no longer there. As hard as it is I have pushed myself to get out and meet new people. I have joined a local walking group and an art class. I have invited new friends for coffee. I still have my old friends who are very supportive of me but I am very needy at the moment with lots of spare time so instead of putting pressure on my old friends to fill that gap I have new friends, more friends to share the load so to speak. I’ve also noticed that Sundays were particularly sad days for me so now I schedule a day out every Sunday. Either with friends or I go for a nice drive in nature or I go to trash and treasure markets or visit historical homes. They are all things that interest me that you can do alone. I’m not sure if this was helpful for you or even if you are ready but just something to keep in mind. Take care x
