5 weeks in an can't face the days

My wife and best friend of 60 years died on 7th July 2022. Essentially she had frontotemporal dementia, PTSD and deepset depression. The reasons for the PTSD and depression aren't important right now, but the she lost the will to live and effectively lay down and died. I was her sole caregiver for 6 years. When she died virtually all our friends just disappeared, most of them after getting angry with me for not grieving to their prescribed pattern. The problem is, I don't know how to grieve. I am numb, totally devastated. I can't sleep, I can't go out. I sit at home on my own all the time. I cry a lot. I miss her so much the pain is physical. I don't have suicidal thoughts per se, but I really wouldn't mind if I died tonight. For sure I have nothing to live for.
I have a grief counselor who says all the right things in all the right ways. I have seen her just the once, so far.
A couple of friends, before they disappeared on me, said no one will be able to help me because I don't want to be helped. It's true I don't care about anything at all, but it isn't that I don't want to be helped, it's that I don't know how to be helped. I have no family and the friends we had are gone.
Without Eve I don't want to go on

 

Ostick, this is Karen. So very sorry you loss the love of your life, Eve. Everything you mentioned here I've gone through. I lost my husband 20 months ago to cancer and I felt just like you do in every respect. So, what you are feeling or not feeling is a normal course of grieving. I was numb, devastated, crying and no will to live. I didn't care about anything not even my health. Grief plays a negative part in our health and can cause illness. Try to eat right, drink water and get fresh air. Breathing has really helped me. In and out all day relieves some tension.
I hope you stay with us on your journey, there is a great deal of help, compassion, caring here. Take care, Karen

 

HUGS Ostick, I am so sorry for your loss. I understand what you mean by friends leaving you and not understanding. They can't understand unless they have been through this. Yes Grief does take a physical as well as mental toll. Words from others are nice but the pain is deeper. Time is the best therapist. Grief won't go away but it will get softer. Give yourself time to grieve. Cry if you need too, a couple of days not eating or sleeping are hard - but your body needs time to heal also. When you can - step out side the door even for a moment or two if you have an out side porch or steps. Let the sun shine on you. If you have food in the house try to eat a little something, maybe start with a cup of coffee or tea or glass of juice and maybe a piece of bread. It was a while before I felt like cooking for myself so I understand. Even now my meals are either in the microwave or crockpot or a 4' electric pan on the counter. Even my tea is made in the microwave. Is there any one that can stop by with premade food for you. Or do you have food deliveries available. I place my orders on line and go to the store where they put them in the car. Start small. Look for a way to take one step each day.
You didn't say if you have any family or friends near you that can help. Be open to them and try to understand that they do not know what to do to help you. If you are comfortable try to tell then even 1 way they could help you.
HUGS and may you find a peaceful movement in each day

 

Ostick, the story of Eve's slow death , after
60 years of marriage, is truly heartbreaking. I'm very sorry,and felt the
same way you do. My wife, Linda, died
from a pulmonary embolism, right in
front of me, 3 & a half years ago. She
was 68. We were married 25 years , no
children. My grief counselor guided me
through my guilt that I didn't do enough
to "save " her. That's a common theme
among the people on GIC. I call us The
Grief Warriors ( TGW), bc we leave no
one behind, on the battlefield of grief. As
my friend from California, Karen, said,
you have found kind people on this site.
I noticed on your profile info, that you
live outside the U.S. I live on the northern
coast of Massachusetts.May I ask in what
country you live? Lou

 

Dear Ostick I am terribly sorry for your loss of Eve. I am extremely proud of you for being Eve’s caregiver for 6 years. I can’t imagine how stressful that was. My name is Gary and I lost my girlfriend Cheryl May 7th 2021 suddenly and unexpectedly to a cardiac arrest. I spiraled downward physically and emotionally 5 months even with a therapist and in person grief meetings. I didn’t care if I lived or died either. 90% of friends and family abondon us after the 2 month mark. You found GIC 4 months sooner than I and that gives you access to daily support and fellowship. It’s been over 15 months since Cheryl transitioned and I am still isolating some. I always have someone to talk with and share my pain or hope on this site. We are never alone here. When you get time google centerforloss.com. Please read 6 needs of the Mourner. This will give you an overview of the grief journey. It explains our natural reaction to grief the effects and how others treat us and why. Your health is the most important thing right now. Karen and Ceee have many great suggestions. Our lives will never be the same but we can share our pain and hope with each other and learn coping skills. Therapy, in person grief meetings, volunteering, getting out into nature, nutrition and exercise, all helps. GIC has helped me the most. I am never alone here. Above all do your best to be very gentle and kind to yourself. Gary

 

Ostick, I'm the oldest, at 73, of 4 great
brother widowers on GIC: Gary, from
Indiana, George, from Illinois, and Chad,
from Texas. Other brothers have left GIC,
but these 3 are dependable, and we rely
on each other. I Am also close with my
widow friends. Patti & Karen greeted &
comforted me a year ago, but it seems
like we've known each other much longer.
Robin is special, bc her husband, Ron, died
the same time as Linda.Deb has made Mr
laugh since the beginning. She is MIA right
now, and I miss her. Bernadine shares my
love for music. Others are quiet, and
waiting to talk. Lou

 

We do share a camaraderie Lou don’t we. We’re on this fight going down the same path. Trying to survive, to live, to enjoy life. That’s what Linda and Ron want for us. It’s hard but we try and we push because your soul mates would want us to be ok. Sending you extra hugs. Robin

 

What a wonderful post, Robin! Thank you.
Woke up my usual, summertime 5:30 to
6am, and was happy to see you & Rose
here, with your kind words of encouragement. GIC is a welcome
distraction and outlet for me this morning,
bc my friend doesn't pick me up until noon. I have signs everywhere to fast.
I can't even drink water, except a sip to
take my pill. I know I will be OK. The
death of Linda was worse than any physical pain I may have. Lou

 

I’m glad my post made your morning just a little brighter. When you feel nervous, close your eyes and picture all your GIC friends. We’re right there with you. Not in person but in spirit for sure. I know nothing compares to losing Linda, that’s the worst nightmare for each of us. Losing our spouses. the reminder today feels very difficult too. But she’s a part of you Lou. She’s there. Good thought on the notes all around. Fasting is difficult. ❤️ Robin

 

Thank God they let me have my phone.
My appointment was changed to an
earlier time. At hospital now, waiting to
be admitted. My friend who is driving me,
made me laugh the whole way. Thank you,
Robin, and all TGW!! Lou

 

I love your friend. He did such a good job keeping you smiling. Thank you for letting me/us know your appointment was changed. Looking forward to hearing you’re recovering and all went well.
Robin

 

About to go under. Nurse, 50,
came in. Said she'd been there 18 yrs.
I told her she looked much younger than
50. She made my day -- especially now-
saying I looked 50, not 73!

 

Good news, Robin & Rose! Pain wasn't
bad when I woke from anesthesia. I told
the kind nurses I was sad that Linda
died, and couldn't be there physically
with me today. I are light tonight. Hope to
have great place,on the Neck, tomorrow
for lunch . Warm Greek family. Great
Greek salad, which I need for fiber (! ), as well as keeping in shape by walking.
Back to normal. Want to see Dick play his
drums at Whale's Jaw Cafe in the afternoon. Thank you & the other GW
for listening to me. I was grateful I
could text my friends and get on GIC,
while waiting for surgery. Lou

 

Karen, forgot. you AGAIN. My oldest
( not in age ) friend! Everything I said to
Robin & Rose, applies to you. Hope you
are enjoying my typos. Ate, instead of
"Are". I'm sure you'll find other examples!
Lou

 

So happy to hear from you Lou. I’m glad you’re doing so well and looking forward to tomorrow and your lunch and music. Thank you so much for the update. I felt sorry I missed your post when you were going under. But you were in my prayers. I hope you sleep well tonight. You’ve been through a lot today. Robin.

 

Thanks, Robin. Not asleep yet. Trying to
put all the excitement out of my mind.
The pain pill is starting to relax me. Lou

 

Of coarse Lou, hopefully the pain med will get you some good sleep. And start the healing process.
Robin.

 

Hi Lou, Hi Robin, just got up, nearly 6.30am here. First thing I do is check in on GIC.
Lou, happy to hear all went well, have a good rest.
Good night to you, too Robin.
Rose.

 

Thank you Rose, good to see you on here. I’m up way to late. Almost 1am. Heading to bed after I take Ted out. Be back in a few hours.
Robin

 

Ostick, I am so sorry for your loss. We do all understand what you're going through. I lost my darling husband suddenly to a cardiac arrest, 21 months ago, he was only 57,no warning signs, was always a dynamic person, fit and healthy. There seem to be no words right now that could comfort you, this is absolutely normal. Pouring your heart out here will surely give you strength and hope, I know the feeling of being abandoned by friends, family, they cannot possibly understand you unless they've been through this too. Saying they can't help you because you don't want to be helped is just a scapegoat,the truth is that they feel awkward, embarrassed, don't know what to say, the 'unknown' terrifies us humans, so in the end they just simply avoid confronting the topic, and just don't even ask anymore, no more phone calls, disappear into thin air.
Like our friends here have already suggested, it's necessary to get out as much as possible.,breathing fresh air. If you have the possibility, going for walks along coastlines, or in the countryside, surrounded by natural surroundings, listening to the sounds of nature, will help you release all that pain that's tormenting you, easing your mind. The deep love you shared with your soulmate will never leave you, she is a part of you and this will also give you the courage and serenity you need to carry on.
You won't feel lonely with this wonderful group of people on GIC, I'm so glad I found them.
Take care of yourself.