I'm new here and this is my first post. I lost my 53-year-old son because he couldn't handle rejection from a girlfriend. I feel foolish saying that but he shot himself on her doorstep in the early morning hours because of rejection. It will soon be 4 years and, for me, it has gotten worse, not better. He had 2 daughters and they no longer stay in touch with me. His ex-wife was wonderful at the time, but she no longer will take my calls. My ex-husband, who had not spoken to me in 30 years, was helpful at the time but has disappeared once again from my life. My ex was not his father but helped me raise him when he was very young. My son's own father and I were divorced in the 60s and he was drafted, sent to Vietnam and died there one week before he was due to come home - short-timer syndrome. My son was 4 years old and did not remember his father, but when he was married and had his own children, the loss of his father became a major issue for him. There is much more but too much to go into now. I'm not certain what I'm looking for but I tend to solve my own problems and perhaps I'm not ready to get into the gory details of my son's death and my own mistakes (as I see them now.) that are causing me much guilt. One of the last things my son said to me was, 'I'm not as tough as you are, Mom.' and he was right. But I am tired of being the tough, strong one. I think I want to just melt into a puddle like the wicked witch and let someone else take care of the problems. I don't think I'm ready to unload or talk about my grief and angst on any online site.
So sorry. This is a terrible loss for you. 4 years is not very long in the grief walk. And yes as the reality of it sinks in, sometimes it gets harder than it was before. I am also very sorry you have lost all of these support systems in your life. You need support from people who understand that grief is a walk and we must continue on in hope. Please use this website as a source of support. I am sorry no one saw your post and no one responded. We do care about you and God cares about you. He was the only source of support I had and He was able to bring me through this unbearable time, even when I thought there was no way I could go on. Try not to judge your son or yourself. We all have tried to do what we thought was best at the time and we all can look back and see many things we regret and many mistakes we made. I am thankful God's mercy is from everlasting to everlasting. Love covers a multitude of sins. His love can carry you through. A suicide is such a terrible kind of death to endure with a child. We would have wished we could have saved them the heartache and loss of hope that has caused this dark hour in your life. Sending you love, Chris
