18 months from losing my husband

I lost my husband to cancer in 2021. He was my world and my best friend. I am busy with lots of healthy activities and friends but my world is lacking without him. I ponder looking for companionship but not ready.
I was his caregiver during the final months of his journey. He never complained and lived life fully until he could not. His family were very unsupportive. I don't know if I want to go through any of that again.
Jan

 

Jan, I'm so sorry about your husband's
death from cancer. I see in your info that
we are about the same age. My wife,
Linda, went into a rehab unit of a
nursing home, to help her to walk. She
was weak with breast cancer. One day, while undergoing physical therapy, she
collapsed in front of me, and died soon
after from a pulmonary embolism. She
was 68. We were married 25 yrs, no
children. She was my best ( & only)
friend and family. I had only one person
I could call when Linda died. I suffered
PTSD, & couldn't sleep. I had to go to
a grief counselor. That was over 4 yrs
ago. She kindly suggested Grief in Common, but I didn't join until July, 2021.
May I ask your husband's name? I see
that you "talked" with my friend, Rose,
in Italy. Most people here are from
different states in the U.S. I live on the
northern coast of Massachusetts. I'm
interested in where other widowed
people live. May I ask in what country
you live? Welcome. You've come to the
right place of kind people who understand
what it's like to mourn the death of a
soulmate. My name is Lou.

 

Hi Lou
My husbands name is Pat. I live in Canada in Southern Ontario.
Grief work is hard and I have read extensively on grief to help myself and others. So often we don’t know we are grieving. Honoring grief and your own life energy is important in the healing process. Pat’s life energy has transitioned. My life energy is still alive. I honor him by continuing living and growing. This is how I am healing and living. I hold him close in my heart. His death was very traumatic. He was treated very poorly in hospital and by 3 of his daughters. I addressed these things in the weeks after his death and moved on. I fill my life with healthy and giving activities and good people. While I accept people as all worthy of love only people that are not toxic can be in my circle. These are the lessons that profound loss have taught me. Stay well
Strength and courage
Jan

 

Jan, as I was about to walk outside to a
coffee shop, I decided to check in with my
friends on GIC. It warms my heart that you
honored my request, and said Pat's name
and that you live in Canada. Thank you.
Like you, I've read some books on grieving.
My grief counselor had suggested 2 books:
Permission to Mourn, by Tom Zuba,and
The Widower's Notebook, a memoir, by
Jonathan Santlofer. My story about
Linda's sudden death in front of me, is
similar to Jonathan's about the death of
his wife of 40 yrs, Joy, in front of him. At
first, when I tried to read the first few
pages, I had to stop, bc I was weeping.
A week later, one morning with coffee, I
started reading the book again, and couldn't put it down. It is an honest ,
sometimes very sad, but sometimes very
humorous account of a marriage , with its'
ups & downs. When Linda died, I had
survivor's guilt, felt she was a saint, and
deserved better than me. My counselor
persuaded me that wasn't the case. Some
of our bad decisions were Linda's doing,
and some mine.I was so taken by Jonathan's book, that I emailed to thank
him, & tell him he was like a brother I
never had. He surprised me by writing
back, with compassion, to say he'd be
proud to be my brother. Now, on GIC,
I have 4 brothers: Gary, George, Chad, and
our newest member, Joe. I'm the oldest,
and Gary is the 2nd oldest. He has read
extensively about grieving , and uses
the word, transitioning, like you do, in
regard to the death of his soulmate, Cheryl.
I also have many widow "other soulmates',
who Linda would've loved, as I do, bc
Linda & I were on the same page about
people. I'm so glad you stayed on with us,
Jan. Lou

 

Wow Jan I like your upbeat positive energy. I’m sorry about the loss of your husband Pat. My name is Gary and my girlfriend Cheryl transitioned in May of 2021 suddenly from a cardiac arrest. The combination of grief support meetings, therapy, reading books on grief and meditation, and support groups like GIC have helped. I’m sorry about the treatment Pat received from the hospital and his daughters. I haven’t completely forgiven Cheryl’s insensitive, money grubbing, cruel sisters yet either. But I can’t afford to poison my brain either. I have had no contact with Cheryl’s family since. Awake at the Bedside, Permission to Mourn, Radical Acceptance, and Invisible Ink helped me understand life and purge the grief. I found GIC 5 months after Cheryl transitioned and it has been a game changer in regards to surviving the aloneness. The aloneness is the hardest part for me. I’m glad you are here. Gary

 

Hello Jan, I am so sorry for the loss of your husband. I was particularly touched by the way you say you are living to honor him. I've said those words to myself often, as I struggle to carry on. I lost my darling husband suddenly to a heart attack, two years ago. He was only 57, no health issues, totally unexpected, I still can't get over the shock.
This site has helped me a lot, I have found empathy and comfort sharing with my friends here who have unfortunately gone through the same loss. I hope you stay with us.
Sending you strength.
Rose.

 

Hi Jan. I'll spare you the details, but our stories are similar. I love your outlook on Pat's passing. I hope you find peace and love in the days ahead.

 

Hi Gary
I think recovery from a messy passing when families or hospitals add to the trauma is harder. The hurt from these sources really catches one at the most vulnerable. Sweeping the poison out of your life is best. Educating myself on how to process the reality and maintain my internal peace has helped. I hope if our loved ones could see us now they would smile with approval. My mourning includes the pain that was caused by those we trusted. I hope I was enough when he needed me. I hope my deep love and support made his passing easier.
All of us who grieve are expressing the depth of love we had for another.
Stay strong and continue to keep your circle of friends and loved ones close and pure.
Jan

 

Thank you Rose. His celestial birthday is this weekend. We will raise a toast to him.
He is missed and loved.
Jan

 

Stay strong. The scenario I describe is more common than I realized. I have supported others through the painful and confusing path a death takes when family or so called friends fail in the worst way. People are almost ashamed to talk about these situations. It really is abuse and adds so much misery to the grievor.
I read to learn how to manage the pain and have learned so much. I keep my circle as pure as possible. Life is so much easier with a loving circle of people around. No more toxic people allowed.
Jan

 

Oh my goodness. I am almost 4 years out from my husband’s death, and I am having just a horrible week. I’m sick, but still have to go to school, I’m totally unsupported at school by parents or administration, and I regularly have parents blaming me for their children’s behavior and defiance. It’s painfully lonely, and sometimes I firmly believe that I can’t do it anymore. Like now. I’m sorry for being so negative. I’m ready to throw in the towel.

 

Sometimes it is important to get still and listen to your true self. Your heart may guide you to something better. Grief is heavy but also makes present moments clear and precious.
Consider getting the toxic people and situations out of your life.
Self love and self compassion is so important. Chris Germer writes about self compassion. It may help you know how to take care of yourself.
Strength and love.
Jan

 

Jan, I agree with you. Thank you for
reaching out to Deb, who's having a
horrible week, feeling sick, and
unappreciated at her teaching job. Most
of the Grief Warriors here, including me,
ate older than Deb, and retired. Where I'm
on the same page with Deb, is the fact that
my wife, Linda, has been gone, physically,
from me , a little longer than Steve has
been gone. I've been having bouts of
sadness and loneliness every morning,
but I can't "throw in the towel", as Deb
says. I get on GIC for comfort , and try to
give comfort to others. Lou

 

Jan, this is Karen. I lost my husband two years ago to cancer. He was home for two weeks with hospice. He knew there was no hope. Every day he wake up I could see in his face that he was surprised he was still here sadly. He couldn't talk or move. The last week he quit eating on purpose. He never complained once.
That's really sad his family were unsupportive. That is not what you needed. You are doing the right thing with healthy activities and friends. Keep with us it helps, K

 

Deb,

I'm so sorry you're not feeling well, and that you have to work when you feel like "garbage," with no support. I have a good friend who is an elementary school teacher. She has to deal with the same bullsh*t that you're dealing with. It SUCKS!!! (As usual, stuck on SUCKS!!!)

Change of subject, I think I just had one of those way too infrequent light bulb moments. I was briefly skimming messages because I'm so far behind, and I think, if my widow brain isn't too foggy, you asked me what TUTTAM means. It stands for total understatement to the absolute max, something I've said, and continue to say, in so many posts, that it morphed into TUTTAM. I've morphed into way too much of a creature of habit!!!, TUTTAM!!!

I hope you feel better ASAP!!! I know it doesn't help, but I'm thinking from what my friend who teaches elementary school has told me, the two of you, are far from alone in not getting the support from parents and administration that you deserve. It SUCKS!!! Our teachers are so important!!!, TUTTAM!!! It makes me angry that the very people who are responsible for our children's educations are treated like SH*T!!! Better get off my soapbox before I even begin to get going...

Sending you lots of hugs and love, wishing you peace, all of us peace, all the way from TUTTAMVILLE (compliments of George). DEB