17 weeks ago I found my son's lifeless body. Two weeks after his 18th birthday and 1 week before graduation. He never woke up that Friday morning. That 911 call was a nightmare. The next hour with strangers in my house was surreal. Hearing the EMT confirming he was gone completely broke me. Answering questions posed by paramedics, police officers and the coroner seemed impossible. My brain wasn't functioning. I didn't even know how to use my phone to contact family or friends. The device seemed foreign. Watching his body leaving my house for the last time... on a gurney... I fell apart. The next couple weeks, I was drowning in grief, lost and not knowing how to function in this strange new world. His official cause of death was SUDEP (Sudden Unexpected Death in Epilepsy). Maybe you've heard of it in the news, a famous Disney star died the same way just a few weeks after my son. Everything else on his autopsy report was perfectly normal and healthy. There was nothing wrong with him, but a seizure claimed his beautiful life and forever changed mine. I had to pick myself up and move forward. You see, I have 2 daughters to take care of and help through their grief. My grief got shoved away so I could get through this. Im still terrified I'm going to lose my 19 year old to suicide. She was just 14 months older than her brother and they were best friends. She isn't dealing with his death very well. My almost 9 year old daughter has had difficulty processing as well. I get one daughter through a challenge associated with his death and then the other one starts having problems. We address that one and then the other daughter starts falling apart again. Meanwhile, my pain, hurt, anger, grief, frustration, etc is building and boiling beneath the surface. I can't address my emotions, because I'm afraid to take my attention off my girls. I'm silently drowning here, while attempting to work, pay the bills, keep the household running and love my daughters through this pain.
My heart is breaking for you. It's not how life should be ...we should never have our children leave this earth before us. I can't even begin to imagine your loss but my thoughts and prayers are with you.
