Stages of Grief: Anger

Ampelopie! Love it! It’s those silly things that we all miss so much. Things we can’t even remember how they started. But mean so much. Yesterday was hard, and today I’m feeling pretty down. Dropped my son off at the airport last night. Got another bear hug, but this one made me sad and cry. Cried most the way home. I’ll get past it and then remember the nice time we had together. And we did have such a wonderful time. Plus he got the door for me, helped me out of the car, carried things did things around the house. And dinner out and visiting places together. Played a game that made the 3 of us laugh so hard we couldn’t breath. Don’t remember the last time I laughed that hard. I need to try to get moving so I can feel better. I’m happy you have TB, and that he helps support you through all of this. I know you are moved in, but how’s it going? Just remember things get messier before it comes together. I have t read through all the posts I’ve missed. But I hope you and everyone are having a better day each day. Robin

 

I love the adulting parts we’re all up against in some way. Grief piled on top doesn’t make it easier.
The last year Kenn’s main nutrition was anything with calories; protein shakes and bars…. I made sure they were minimally processed and plant protein so that “just in case I couldn’t help myself” at least they would have that going for them. (Fortunately the pie and cookies had dairy and didn’t tempt me.) Crazy that just having them here was too much to manage in an ‘adult’ way.
After he died I tucked the bars into my camping gear which seems an appropriate place and it got them out of sight because I knew I would consume them. The running joke between us when I read labels was “Healthier than what?” LOL The amount of sugar in some of them is unreal.
Oh, this has made me misty, I miss him.
~B

 

Lou,
Today is rough. Took Ron jr to the airport last night, got another bear hug. This one made me cry. The other one did too but happy tears. My house felt alive and I didn’t have to push to keep busy. I was busy with my kids. Nice dinners out, visiting places or home relaxing. My house felt like a home. But missing Ron of coarse. I’m not sure Ron wouldn’t look for support such as GIC. I’m just not sure. I looked early on but what I had found was useless and I gave up until I found GIC 11 months after Ron passed. And I’ve been here ever since. I don’t picture Ron sharing his emotions but I could be totally wrong. I didn’t think I could either yet it’s necessary to move forward. I know Ron wouldn’t do in person therapy. I understand where Linda was coming from. Can’t say that I blame her. I need to get off here and push to get busy. So thankful for Ted! Unseasonably warm here hope it’s warm by you too. Lot of rain last night. Robin

 

Stacey the bars are trail mix granola bars by nature valley. I’m like everyone else I dare not buy the granola bars with chocolate or butterscotch. Putting those types into the freezer is like dessert. Once I take the first bite it’s game over. If I don’t bring them home I don’t have to worry about it. I’ll polish off four in a row and then feel guilty. In the book radical acceptance Tara Brach addresses this as the trance of unworthiness. The book is excellent and has several guided meditations. I’m hardwired to be my worst critic. I think I had the same type of father Lou had. Dad was drinking alcoholically and got diabetes. He had to quit then he became a Rageaholic. I was three years old. I love my dad but he sent mixed messages. Later in counseling I discovered I was a victim of toxic shame. Toxic shame is simply the verbal and physical abuse that had no merit. When some people feel bad about themselves they verbally and physically abuse others for no reason. This has been passed on from generation to generation in my dad‘s family. I am practicing cognitive behavior therapy to deal with this. CBT Works on sleeping disorders also. I better get off of my Dr. Phil soapbox. Keep trucking. Gary

 

HAHA!! Wish I could do a fun emoji on
GIC!! Lou

 

I'm so glad and happy for you Robin, that you got a laugh. And had a good time with your son. It is so windy and cold today couldn't walk too much. It has been a week here at the new place and it is coming together but still have too much stuff... I need to keep going through and getting rid of things. It is not easy but I do what I can. I need to remember (we all do) to be kind to ourselves and others and try to be strong. we do our best! Getting out of the house with too many bittersweet memories has helped but I'm still pretty depressed inside despite it all. Take care and much love!

 

Stacey, Lou, George, and Gary,

FOOD!!! I think there is a reason why it's a four letter word!!!, TU!!! Food should be something enjoyable, period. Unlike sleep, which no matter how hard we try, there are way too many times we can't control how many quality hours we're able to get, food is within our control. But, and this is another one of those really BIG BUTS!!!, when MG hits us full force, when MG deprives us of some much needed!!!, TU!!! sleep..., when MG has us right where he wants us, down on that mat, struggling to get up..., our coping mechanisms are totally out of whack, a perfect recipe for attempting to find comfort wherever we can, but not always having the strength to do it in a healthy way. FOOD... I could go on and on and on and on, etc., etc., etc., ... "talking" about this, until I totally exhaust even that Energizer Bunny...

Most of my life, but much more so since Bob's death, I've had a sort of love/hate relationship with food. I'm a major chocoholic and love ice cream, almost forgot to add salsa and tortilla chips too, but, and this is another one of those really BIG BUTS!!!, if I'm going to eat it, it has to be worth eating. Meaning when it comes to my favorite comfort/junk foods, I will only eat my favorite brands, make those calories worth it (I don't always feel like those calories are worth it, another story for another time). I know, I'm way too spoiled when it comes to this!!!, TU!!!

I found myself mindlessly munching while tuning out of reality, wrapped in my super soft bereavement blanket, tuning into mindless TV. I weighed myself and found out I was almost 5 lbs over my usual weight. While I could still fit into all or most of my clothing, it definitely didn't fit the same, not the fit I was going after. I decided that if I was ever going to win my battle with MG, I needed to start by taking the best care of myself I possibly could. This means doing whatever I have to do to ditch my unhealthy eating patterns. (Backing way up, sort of on, sort of off topic, when Bob's health first began it's rapid downhill spiral, I couldn't eat, lost a lot of weight, but have since gained it all back. If I had been able to eat back then, I hate to think how heavy I would be now.)

Although I don't think I've ditched that additional weight, judging by the way my clothes fit, (not brave enough to step on the scale), I'm doing the things to ditch my very unhealthy method of trying to feel emotionally better, in the ways that have always worked best for me in the past. Stacey, I laughed when you mentioned a run on sentence in one of your messages this morning. I think I could win the world's record for the most and longest run on sentences!!!, TU!!! But, it's okay since George was an English major (at least I think this is what he told me) and a teacher, and has told me many times that he forgives me for this. I know he'll forgive you too, lol...!!!

Backing up to the beginning, in one way I'm very fortunate, because in general, even as a child, I preferred healthy foods over junk food. I remember when the first McDonald's opened up in my town, my parents took me there to check it out. Everyone enjoyed it, except me. I've always been a big fruit and veggie eater, and never ate red meat until I met Bob. Then he made me his famous baby back ribs, and I was hooked!!! I've always preferred baked potatoes to fries, love baked sweet potatoes (no butter in my potatoes), and eat lots of salads. Before MG hit me hard, back in the days when chopping up fruits and veggies wasn't a big deal, draining me of whatever little energy I had, I used to make big salads for dinner, adding in lots of different types of veggies and fruit, and adding in grilled chicken or shrimp. I love that Bernadine is such a healthy eater!!!, TU!!!, especially now, when having to deal with MG. Bernadine's messages about her healthy meals, made from fresh veggies in her garden, are helping me get back on track. Thank you, Bernadine!!!

Like Gary, whenever I'm craving something that I don't want to eat, I eat an apple. Most of the time this works, or will at least make it so that I don't eat as much of something else. I don't believe there is any such thing as willpower. Like I think all of you are doing, or going to do, I don't buy the things I know I can't stop myself from eating. Although I love milk chocolate, I now only buy dark chocolate, super dark chocolate, the brands with the least amount of sugar. I now crave dark chocolate as much as I crave milk chocolate. I have a small serving daily. I don't know why, but I can stop after that small serving. I can't do this with chips and salsa so haven't been buying it as frequently. I only buy mostly healthy foods, but find if I'm really craving something, I will eat anything in sight to try to get rid of that craving. This doesn't work for me. So, I have to have my daily chocolate fix, and if I'm really craving those chips and salsa, I will let myself have some, otherwise I could find myself needing to buy an entirely new wardrobe, something I refuse to do!!!, TU!!!

I've been texting friends while "talking" to you, and lost my train of thought. But, before I go, (now I'm going to sound like a commercial, or one of those annoying late night infomercials), I LOVE!!! RX Bars, especially the chocolate sea salt and the pumpkin spice varieties. They are all natural, made with very few ingredients, all of them healthy ingredients, no added sugar, sweetness comes from dates, and have 12 grams of protein per bar. Each bar, or at least the flavors I eat have 210 calories. When MG hits me hard, I sometimes eat one of these for lunch with an apple, or have one instead of eating cookies or cake (another weakness). Surprisingly, these seem to help me ditch those cravings. Stopping here. I think the Chicago Bar Co., or whoever owns RX Bars, should send me a free case as a thank you for being such a loyal fan, and promoting their product, lol...

Stopping here... As you can tell, this is one subject I just can't seem to stop "talking" about!!!, TU!!! (last one of the morning) Wait... almost forgot, Lou, whenever Bob and I used to go out for a nice meal, we would order a large bottle of Pelligrino or Perrier. I used to add either a lemon or lime wedge to mine. Love it!!!

Really going now. Hope all of you, all of TGW, have at least one, but hoping many more reasons to LMSO today.

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Robin,

I was just about to put my chrome book away, run some errands, when I saw your message. I know that horrible feeling, after the kids leave, when the house just seems so empty, but and this is one of those really BIG BUTS!!!, this was during the three years prior to Bob's death. I can't even begin to imagine how much worse you must feel.., having your son leave..., Ron not being here with you (physically)... Sending lots and lots and lots of extra hugs, and love your way...

Lots I want to say, but I'm keeping this short because, so far, my day is off to a much better start than it has been recently, and am doing my best to keep MG (George shortened Mr. Grief) away for as long as possible. However, I'm not sure how I'm going to feel once I hit those stores... I really need another pair of walking shoes, I recently bought a pair, but they're not as comfortable as I hoped they would be, so am going to go to a store that has been recommended to me by several people. This is one purchase I don't want to make online. When stores were either shut down because of the pandemic or had limited hours and very little sales help, BTDT and it SUCKED!!!

Sending zillions more hugs... lots more love too, to you and Teddy, and as always, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Yes! Crazy weather here, Robin. Chose
not to go to Christmas tree lighting in
town sq. Sat night. Very cold. Glad to
hear they had a big,joyous crowd. This am
looked like the sad Karen Carpenter song,
Rainy Days & Monday's. But, an unexpected miracle occurred at 11am,
the time of my Mon am phone therapy
session. It is now 50s and sunny. Hope
your day improves, too. Lou

 

((((Hugs)))) B, I'm sorry. I'm missing my husband too, sooooo much. More and more every day. I'm not sure when people top out...but I hope I've reached my limit and the pain is going to start lessening here soon. I hope the painful wave has already subsided for you.

You and your husband were so right. Some of the so-called healthy foods/bars are horrible! Full of sugar and highly inflammatory oils (anything but expeller pressed and/or organic avocado, coconut and EVOO) and chemicals and preservatives. Anyway, sounds like you were an adult about handling the tempting bars.

Aren't you in California too? It's cold here today. Like legit cold (for California.. I know, I know) and grey and damp and dark. I usually love this kind of weather and I'm not complaining, but I am so down, that I would probably be better if I could get outside in the sunshine and rake some leaves. But I didn't sleep last night so I'll just stay right here and pray and wait for the phone calls I am needing to happen. That's most important today anyway.

 

Deb, I get it with the love/hate food issue. I started my first diet at the age of 12. I've been on one since. lol I will look into the RX bars and the granola bars that Gary mentioned.

Speaking of food, I've been up since @ 2 am. I'm currently starving. I will have my leftover pan-roasted cauliflower and grilled chicken boob. Nothing to feel guilty about! Take THAT pretzels! .....but I'll probably have Diet Pepsi with it. Baby steps.

 

Well, in spite of your deep sadness and
mourning over Mark, you are a very
funny woman. It took me a minute to
figure out what a "chicken boob" was!!!
As I've said before, the best actors and
comedians had sad & lonely lives when
they were younger: Al Pacino, Richard
Pryor, Robin Williams, etc. Lou

 

WOW, Deb, your long FOOD book may get
us kicked off GIC again! Just kidding.
My go to snacks are slightly salted
cashews and Skinny Pop popcorn. A little
salt is OK. Well, I should get a check for
my advertising, like you, Stacey, and
Bernadine should!! Lou

 

OOh! Skinny Pop! I have been on Keto for so long I forgot about popcorn! I can do popcorn now...I think. I'll see how many WW points it is. Thanks Lou!

 

Gary, I had a delayed reaction to your
profound statement that you needed to
have some suffering. The easy way out
for me, would be to move to a place which
was sunny & 70 degrees every day. But,
being a New Englander, born & raised, I
know that to appreciate the flowers in
the spring, the joy of the ocean in summer,
and the magnificent colors of fall foliage,
I must endure my least favorite season,
winter. Today was a perfect storm for my
manic depression: early morning gray &
rain, warm sunshine at 11am, an unexpected 50s degrees, after days of
30s. I was in a great mood, thinking what
you, George, and I talked about as far as
being receptive to having new women in
our lives. Then, out of nowhere this
afternoon, a chilling gust of wind & gray
skies. I took a bus home. It was eerie. I
was the only passenger. I started to feel
angry & sad at the same time, as I passed
by houses that Linda & I had gone into,
with a real estate agent. We were looking
for a place with an inlaw apartment, for
her unpleasable folks, who rejected each
one. Linda's blind spot was to please her
father, who,in reality was enabling her
unreasonable mother. I started crying
over the wasted time & energy, when we
should've been focusing on the happiness
of our early years of marriage. Mr. Grief
won this battle today, Gary, but I'll be
damned if I let him win the war. Lou

 

Super Dark Chocolate squares with dried tart cherries in them are my newest find. 1 or 2 pieces in the evening and I’m feeling indulgent. Life is more than dark leafy greens!

 

Yes, Bernadine, I agree. It's important to
have one new treat a day, in addition to
the required fruits & veggies. BTW, I love the Original V-8 cans (5.5oz) for a quick
shot of veggies. In the summer, I'm more
abt to eat soft serve vanilla and chocolate
ice cream. In the winter, I like hot
chocolate, and an occasional GF brownie.
The key is that "variety is the spice of
life" which cuts down on cravings. Lou

 

I am feeling better, thank you. Mornings are often my hardest. A whole day ahead without him.
I’m in Oregon. It’s Cold. And Wet. And Grey. With more of the same in the 10 day forcast. We are still squeaking into the 40’s in the afternoon but the wind added to the dark dampness make it chilly in the bones. I even got my full spectrum light out last week to use a couple of hours in the mornings.
I hear you about prioritizing those phone calls, I have a friend who checks in and celebrates each of my daily accomplishments; got out of bed? Win. Loaded a few dishes into the dishwasher? Win. Made a phone call, got a few hours of sleep, put gas in the car, ate a meal….. Wins! If you need to hear it let me offer: You’re Doing Fine Enough. <3
~B

 

Stacey,

This love/hate relationship with food... It just SUCKS!!! The friends who Bob and I used to vacation with all the time, loved good food as much as Bob and I did. Whenever we traveled, lets just say we ate really well, TU!!! I used to prepare for those adventures in eating and drinking (our friends are also really into wine and have a well stocked wine cellar, now down to about 800 bottles) a couple of months in advance. I would do whatever I had to do to lose five pounds before travel day. I would leave at least one of my favorite dresses out, along with a swimsuit, and they were my "inspiration" pieces. I told myself that not only was I going to be able to wear these things while on vacation, but that they were still going to FIT when I got home. So, long story short, the four of us always had the best times ever. No matter what we were doing, whether we were at a gorgeous tropical beach somewhere, or doing some sightseeing in a new city, we were eating, drinking or snacking on something. The worst were all those delicious but totally unhealthy drinks, all those margueritas, after dinner drinks, different kinds of cosmos, etc, etc., etc. and last but not least, all that wine.... But, and this is another one of those really BIG BUTS!!!, wine can be healthy, well at least that's what we told ourselves. I got way off track!!!, TU!!! and forgot what I wanted to say. As I said earlier, when it comes to this subject, I can definitely outlast that Energizer Bunny!!!, TU!!!

Wait, I remember what I wanted to tell you, Bob would have had a field day with that comment about "grilled chicken boob." I haven't heard anyone refer to it this way before, thanks making me laugh. I agree, in order to accomplish just about anything, I think "baby steps" are the way to go. I once read that if you can keep doing something for six weeks, it'll become a habit. Don't quote me on this one, my widow foggy brain is in full force at the moment, but I think there is some truth to this. I gave up putting butter on corn on the cob, potatoes, even bread, (about the bread, butter wasn't MIA on vacations) years ago. Now I can't imagine ever wanting to put butter in potatoes or on corn on the cob again. I also got in the habit of eating an apple whenever I had a craving for something that I wanted, but didn't really want, that miserable love/hate thing again, before allowing myself to eat "junk." I've been doing this for years... There are times when I'm out of apples, but won't go here... I'm very impressed, that grilled chicken boob and pan-roasted cauliflower not only sounds good, but is so healthy, WTG!!! You can and will do this!!!

I hope you got all the phone calls you were expecting and that everything has worked out the way you wanted it to. I hope you're feeling at least a bit better... And got some much needed rest today... Being a couch potato can sometimes be a good thing, and sometimes it's a necessary thing.

As always, sending you and Miles lots of hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Lou,

I really like both slightly salted cashews and Skinny Pop popcorn too, just not the buttered kind. I prefer many foods without lots of salt (except for corn on the cob and baked potatoes). I got used to preparing food with lots less salt. I did what I could to keep Bob as healthy as possible. Now some foods taste too salty to me.

I hope you had a good day, and that your evening is off to a good start...

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB