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Feeling alone

Discussion in 'Loss of a Parent' started by brianslin, Nov 15, 2021.

  1. brianslin

    brianslin New Member

    My mom passed of lung cancer and next Monday will mark three years since she died. For some reason, I'm finding this anniversary particularly difficult to deal with. I think part of it is because of Covid and not being able to connect with my emotional support network as easily as before. I think I'm also struggling because I'm only now realizing how much I am like my mom while my sisters aren't. I don't have any family I can rely on for emotional support and it's those difficult days when I miss my mom the most, because she was the only one who truly understood me as a person. I can't even begin to explain how often I struggle with the 'coulda shoulda woulda' questions and wonder if maybe she'd still be alive if I had done something different. It sounds stupid and irrational, but a part of me to this day still believes I passed some virus to my mom which caused her to ultimately develop pneumonia to pass. Or the regret that I didn't go say goodbye even though she was only 20 feet from me because I had convinced myself she'd be fine. After all, she pulled back from bad days multiple times before. Does anyone else struggle with these thoughts that really don't make sense but still consume you with guilt at the same time?
     
  2. BetsieMP85

    BetsieMP85 Member

    Absolutely. My second year seemed to be more difficult because I could no longer deny that she was gone ( my mom). She was my best friend and go to person. And like you, I am nothing like my siblings and we each had a different relationship with my mother. Therefore, our grief is different. And so, we just don't talk about her. And I want to scream sometimes because I feel like we are pretending she didn't exist.
    So I have very little family support and just recently lost 2 good friends who were a support system.
    My mom understood me too. I do wonder if I missed something or could have done more. Why did I trust the doctors so much? I should have done more research into her condition. And I also didn't know she was dying, because she pulled back from episodes before. But we all go into denial of things that are just too difficult. That's normal. And I think we all live with guilt to some degree.
    I try to remember how she lived instead of thinking about how she died. Sometimes that helps. But sometimes it doesn't.
    I'm sorry for your loss and pain.
     
  3. Capuzzi2

    Capuzzi2 New Member

    I think we all have a story that is pre written. We might not like it, but that is our story. So whatever you did was supposed to happen. It’s ok. And you miss your mom because she was wonderful. And you loved her. And she loved you. And that’s all that matters. My mom died Jan 5 and I’m struggling.
     
  4. Breeze63

    Breeze63 New Member

    So fresh right now since Sept 2021. My problem is to surpass where I am presently at - feel alone and lost the only person I could ever talk to and pretty much my best friend... My Father
     
  5. Moon

    Moon Member

    I understand the feeling alone part completely. I lost my mother almost a month ago and my world was turned upside down. She had been ill for a very long time with a rare heart condition and it finally claimed her life Jan.7th. I have good days and horrible days and not so bad days. Loneliness can be a problem when there aren't enough people in your life to fill that void. The only problem is that the void we have in our souls can't be filled. We can learn to move forward one step at a time, although sometimes, my feet are like lead. I'm very lonely myself.
     
  6. Mikezirilli

    Mikezirilli New Member

    My father passed in September of 21, it was so sudden, small cell lung carcinoma. He wasn't feeling well in July and August, his stomach and he had been going to the doctor with my mother. Then he was having a hard time breathing and the doctor told him to go to the emergency room. He got diagnosed and passed so fast I'm upset every single day since that. He was my best friend also, and the only person that ever made any sense to me.
     
    Moon likes this.
  7. Moon

    Moon Member

    Hello again,
    It's great that you got along with your father. And I know it hurts more than you think you can bear, but you can bear it. I know it feels like you will break but hopefully you won't. You're here and that means there are a lot of people that can help and be with you in your grief.
    My mother and I never really got along. She was emotionally abusive and controlling and unstable but she knew how to hide it. Her death left emotional carnage behind. It left lies that will never have answers and so much confusion.
    Hang on to the good things with had with your dad, it's what I do and it's not so bad. It will get better. The pain will become less and you will learn to live with it. I am always here. Take care
     
  8. Mikezirilli

    Mikezirilli New Member

    Moon, your mother passed away less than a month ago and you have good days and bad days, and you are able to say already less than a month that everything is going to be okay? You are definitely in a different place than I am.
     
  9. Moon

    Moon Member

    Mike,
    Like I said I have good days and bad days and some days I have to take things one minute at a time. Grieving is different for everyone. It hits everyone differently. I have gone through loss many times in my life. I have lost a husband, a partner, a bestfriend to suicide, my biological father, my grandparents and aunts and uncles. Loss has been a constant in my life and I guess I had to learn at an early age.

    The loss of my mother tore a giant hole in my life. She was not the best mother but she did the best she knew how. I also have my girls I have to be strong for. Sometimes the three of us will sit down and cry and other times we just go about making a new normal for us. That's the hard part right now. Making a new normal for us.

    The loneliness hits me hard at times. It hits me like a wrecking ball in the middle of my chest. I breathe through it and try to keep positive and busy doing whatever I have to do. This is a process with no time limit. It's different for everyone. Like I said, I am here for you whenever you need to talk, whenever the loneliness hits you I am here for you.
    Moon